How do we explain this "woke nonsense" to the grandparents?
How do we explain this "woke nonsense" to the grandparents?
What do you do when they say, "you are going too far"?
Even if we know that what we are doing is the right thing, even if the science is there, we are not an island and we all struggle under the collective pressure to do things in a certain way. It’s also scary to feel that we are going against the crowd and our kids are the ones that might pay the consequences from our decisions (regardless of the intentions we had when we made them). I get it.
That is why I think this space is invaluable! Because we need the people that nod along when we share our stories and GET IT, because we need to feel that we are not an island after all and that the world could go in the right direction if we all push at the same time. And it is also good to be reminded why we are choosing this path. It is healthy to share rants but also needed to share wins (I promise I have lots of both and I can’t wait to hear yours!). Learning from each other and the power of community is key.
The single most asked question in my trainings about how to parent beyond gender bias is “How do we explain this to the grandparents?” and the most valuable part of the Q&A tends to be the enthusiastic support in the room for those sharing horror stories about grandparents arriving to birthday parties with the most stereotypical gifts or the way the in-laws frown when we try more forward-thinking approaches, fearing that their grandkids are being failed. “We never did those things with you and you turned out ok” and all that jazz.
The answer I give to that question is… it depends! Every relationship is different, and every person is too. Actually, through the 28 days of my cycle I am very different version of the same daughter, wife, mother or friend. So the first thing to take into consideration is “what are your needs?”. Being comfortable with how you deal with it matters, so don’t feel that there is a right way or a wrong way to do it.
You can choose to nod along and pretend you are ok with it and then do whatever you want, you can make some direct rules about how you do things in your house and ask everyone to follow them (only experiences as gifts, for example). You can explain to them WHY you do what you do or you can laugh in their faces and deal with the consequences. Who am I to judge you?
What I can do is share some tips that I have learnt (both in first person and through those lively Q&As) that make things EASIER.
Don’t make it personal. Because it is already personal to them.
I know this is quite obvious, but a lot people feel that you doing things different is inherently a judgment on the way they are doing things. Being the person raising questions makes others feel judged and that is unpleasant for them, hence their need to prove you wrong as a way to confirm that they are indeed right.
For grandparents, seeing another way to do things can feel like a direct accusation that they didn’t do good enough by you.
Reassuring them that everyone is going to get it wrong as parents and you are just choosing an approach that at least resonates with your values today tends to calm them. No, you don’t think you are perfect, but you too should be allowed to be your own kind of wrong.
Be proactive, not reactive
Talk about those things BEFORE the event. Don’t wait until the week before Christmas to tell them not to buy your daughter make up and your son another truck. And definitely before they start praising her for being beautiful or telling him that boys don’t cry. Start way before, and again, making it about a you and your personal choice on how to raise your kids.
Speak about the messages the different toys send and how they uphold narratives about gender. Or look for an opportunity to bring up the campaign “Let Toys be Toys”. Share examples of friends that are opting for a more gender neutral approach and be clear that you are going to do so too. Casually mention that you are reading more about the topic and you are fascinated by it! Talk about how lego is proven to improve spatial skills and how great that is for every kid, or how prams and dolls helps creativity, language or empathy and it is a shame that boys are missing out. Resend articles in the family group about the importance of emotional intelligence in boys or the damage of complimenting girls only on their appearance. Make them know how much you care about that topic so they know what to expect when putting things in the cart. The trick is to make it so obvious so they are the ones that bite their tongue in your presence and not the other way round.
Remember your why.
When our parents look at us and tell us that we have turned out ok, make sure you look around and ask yourself if that is really true. I can see a million things that are not ok, things that I don’t want for my daughter or for my son. Things that dreadful statistics tell me that are still normal and prevalent.
Just because they did the best they knew or could doesn’t mean that there is not a better way to do it! And trust me, I write this knowing that we will do our own best and by the time our kids are in their 30s they will be writing blogs about how we fucked them up. This is life and as long as we keep moving things forward I choose to embrace it!
We choose to parent beyond gender bias because we want our kids not to be limited by the restrictions that society puts on them because of their gender. We want them to have all the options, and to be able to reinforce all the important life skills even if they don’t have to be absolute masters at everything.
When we tap into the why we normally find a how to address it with those around us.
QUESTION FOR YOU: Is there any tip that you want to add? An example of a good conversation or a bad experience that you wish you had done differently? This is what this space is for! Share away.
And because I want to make this space really safe and a proper community, I am going to close the comments for paid members only. I was going to make it a symbolic £1 a month for now but there is a minimum in substack of £3.50 a month. Please, don’t let the money be the thing that puts you off, write to me and ask me for a complimentary paid subscription, I will ask no questions (I know how hard is to ask!).
Also, we are just starting here, so shape this with me!! Tell me what you want more of or less of. I love that through my lens is my corner of the internet to write aloud, but this place is ours!